Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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