ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
