If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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