his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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