i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
