Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You are the jesus of drinking
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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