We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.