Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing