So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
