He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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