i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
