Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
