Your dad touched me again.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
