i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
