So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
