I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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