not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
