and you said cock pushups were impossible
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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