you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
