don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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