how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
