I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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