well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
