i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
