can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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