Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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