Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I pour the whiskey from now on
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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