We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
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I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
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In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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