i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
