so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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