I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
