I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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