I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
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