I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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