I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
