I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
