I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
