For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm too high and old for this...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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