when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
