you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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