I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
