Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
