The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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