Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
ttyl tear gas
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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