I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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