I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.