good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
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I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.