AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them