You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
