I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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