I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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