What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
