I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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