just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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