i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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