Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
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i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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