craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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