Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Couch. On fire.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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