I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
