Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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