Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
