My Higher Power is John Stamos
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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