dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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